just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
