Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
