I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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