Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
