The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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