when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
