I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
