Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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