I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
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