last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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