u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
