i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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