I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
