i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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