So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
