We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
