the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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