if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
