There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Dicks are not precious.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
