So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
