do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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