you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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