The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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