did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize