This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
