So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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