Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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