Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
