Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
