He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
