did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
