I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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