I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
