Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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