she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
