if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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