He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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