I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize