Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
