I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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