just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
