Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
