I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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