We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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