I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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