omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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