My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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