What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize