we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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