I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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