I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He? As in you personified your dick?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
