Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
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