The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
