I think my fart just growled at me.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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