p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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