apparently the secret to your success is patron
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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