I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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