On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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