it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
