the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
