Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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