Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
