she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
