My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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